


Look In His Eyes

by schrodingers_zombie



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, College AU, Homophobia, I have no idea where this is going, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-05-27 19:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6297040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schrodingers_zombie/pseuds/schrodingers_zombie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ever since he was young, aaron burr had learned from his family the difference between right and wrong.<br/>he knew what the bible said, what god said: certain things were allowed, and other things were disgusting sins.<br/>he knew that people who made the choice to break god's law were abominations, were sinners, would burn in eternal hell.<br/>he knew all this. and he believed in it with all his heart.<br/>that's when alexander hamilton walked into his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. talk less

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE ZERO IDEA WHERE THISLL END UP  
> i should probably have written more of this before i posted the first chapter but lol that didn't happen  
> im thinking happy end, but srsly i have no idea (i thought of multiple directions and im not sure which ill take and some will end Bad so

The very first time Aaron Burr saw Alexander Hamilton, he immediately felt uncomfortable.  
The sight of the excited and awkward young man that didn't quite fit into his surroundings filled Burr with a weird feeling, thick sparks of interest and nervousness clustering in his chest. He couldn't stop himself from staring, and he felt stuck, unable to think of anything else. For some reason Burr couldn't stop imagining how that long soft-looking hair would feel if he ran his fingers through it.  
Burr hadn't ever felt anything like it before.  
He immediately knew that those feelings meant trouble.  
Burr was still staring, unable to turn away, the only thoughts in his head a dense cloud of confusion and discomfort, when the young man made eye contact with him. Before turning away, face red with embarrassment (why he should be embarrassed, he wasn't quite sure, but he knew he was), Burr caught a glimpse of a smile brightening the man's face.  
Burr looked fixedly at his drink, face burning. Oh Lord, he hoped the man hadn't noticed him staring. Why was he staring, anyway? Why was that man so (attractive was the first word that flitted to his mind, but he pushed it away, that was the wrong connotation, that wasn't the right word, it wasn't)... fascinating to him?  
Suddenly someone tapped him on the shoulder. Burr flinched, his hand flying up to the point of contact and accidentally grazing against a warm hand. He breathed, calming himself, and turned around. It was the man from across the room.  
Calm down, Aaron, he told himself. Smile more. Don't let him know what's going on.  
"Pardon me," the man said, an awkward laugh creeping into his voice. The man's hands fidgeted, playing with the corner of his coat. "Are you... Aaron Burr?"  
He was even more intriguing from up close. He was handsome (very handsome, and he clearly knew it, Burr couldn't help but note, and then hate that he noticed), with a perfectly shaped face and the barest hints of a peach-fuzz beard, but the most fascinating thing about him was his eyes. They were bright and intelligent and seemed to speak stories without even moving. The man's stance and behavior were nervous and awkward but those eyes, those eyes were the eyes of a confident man, someone whose pride would be his downfall. They didn't seem to match the rest of the man.  
"That depends," Burr said carefully, not letting any emotion through. "Who's asking?"  
"Oh! Sorry. I'm Alex. Uh, Alexander Hamilton. I'm new here, I'm a freshman, someone told me I should talk to you- well, they didn't say that exactly, but they mentioned your name, haha, I might have punched them, I guess, but they mentioned you while I was trying to get a scholarship to Princeton- that didn't work out, of course, because they're dumb and they don't know brilliance when they see it- some guy in charge of financial stuff, I don't know, but-" The man- Alexander- responded, speaking a mile a minute, almost too fast for Burr to follow along.  
"Wait," Burr interrupted. "You punched... who?"  
"I don't remember, it's a blur, I kinda punch a lot of people- he handles financials? Anyway I wanted to-" Alexander didn't seem to realize Burr wasn't keeping up. God, even the way he talked was intriguing. Burr felt his cheeks heat up with shame again.  
"The bursar? You punched him?" He repeated, glad that the blush wasn't visible on his dark skin.  
"Yes," Alexander said impatiently. "I wanted to do what you did, graduate so quickly and then do something- he acted like that was stupid, like I was stupid. I'm not stupid." His pace slowed down on the last phrase, a hint of hurt creeping into his voice, but he brushed it off and grinned at Burr again. "So how'd you do it?"  
Burr looked down at his drink. He considered telling Alexander to leave him alone, but part of him wanted to keep talking to the fascinating man. "...my parents wanted me to. It was their last wish for me. Before they, uh, they passed."  
Alexander paused for a second, and Burr sighed. Now it would get awkward, like it always did.  
"You... You're an orphan? Oh my god, of course, I'm an orphan too!"  
Burr looked up in surprise. Alexander's eyes were shining and a big smile lit up his face. Wow. That was not the reaction Burr usually got.  
Alexander must have sensed the weird mood, because his smile fell. "Oh, I mean, I'm sorry. But, like, you get it too! We're the same! You know how it feels! God, I wish there was some way for us to prove we're worth more than anyone thinks, that we're important, that we can do stuff. I wanna do something, you know? Show them what I can be. I wanna make a difference. There’s so much wrong with the world- this country, it’s full of racism and misogyny and homophobia and nobody cares. And just because I’m an orphan and an immigrant they don’t care about anything I say-"  
Burr hesitated. "...can I buy you a drink?"  
Alexander's cheeks reddened. "Oh! Uh, sure!"  
As the bartender prepared the drinks that Burr had ordered, Alexander sat down next to Burr, his eyes bright, a small smile lighting up his face. Burr tried not to stare at those impossibly deep eyes, fighting the flurry of thoughts crowding his brain.  
“Let me give you some advice.” Burr started hesitantly. He considered his words carefully. He didn’t want to sound insulting or condescending.  
Alexander nodded, listening intently. His face was so trusting, so happy. Burr almost felt bad for what he was trying to say.  
“Talk… less.” Burr said.  
The difference in Alexander’s face was visible immediately. His smile dropped into an offended frown, and his eyes were shadowed with disappointment. “...What?” He said curtly.  
“Smile more,” Burr continued. “Don’t let people know everything you’re against or for. It’s safer. You’ll be able to get more done. You have to compromise on some things.”  
Alexander pushed his chair away from the bar. “You’ve got to be kidding me. You can’t seriously think that shutting up and, and letting people stomp all over you is the best way to get what you want? No. Nothing’s ever gonna happen unless you, we, unless I actually try to get it. You can’t just sit down and shut up. That’s the stupidest thing that I have ever heard. Goddammit, I’m sorry, I don’t think this date can continue, I can’t date someone who thinks I should bottle up my opinions-”  
Burr felt a chill go up his spine.  
“This isn’t a date,” he said, feeling numb. His face tingled. He couldn’t move. Words that he had heard so many years ago in his own home shot across his head. _Those abominations don’t have a place in my home. I won’t allow this disgusting perversion to continue._ “I’m not…”  
Alexander looked taken aback. “Oh, sorry, I- you asked me to drink with you, I assumed… but still. I’m leaving. If that’s all you’re gonna tell me-”  
“I’m not _like_ that.” Burr growled, his face burning, his mind screaming, unable to think clearly. “I’m not a freaking f-”  
“Yo!” A familiar voice interrupted him. “Aaron Burr! Shut up and drop it before you get yourself punched. Stop bothering this poor guy.”  
John Laurens stepped up from behind Burr, extending a hand towards Alexander with a wink. “I’m John Laurens in the place to be. Ignore him, he’s a dick.”  
Laurens’ friends showed up flanking him. Lafayette grinned widely at Alexander. Mulligan shot a death glare towards Burr.  
“And je m’appelle Marquis de Lafayette,” The flamboyant Frenchman said, bowing slightly and flipping his fluffy ponytail.  
“But we usually call him Laf,” Mulligan said, finally looking away from Burr and smiling quickly at Alexander. “I’m Hercules Mulligan. Up in it, lovin’ it. And don’t listen to them if they ever tell you I had sex with a horse. It’s slander and lies.”  
Laurens slung an arm around Alexander’s shoulders, his eyes piercing through Burr but an easy smile still on his face. “Burr stands for nothing unless it benefits him. Or unless it has to do with guys making out. He _hates_ that. You learn to live with it. You should hang with us. I think you’d like our group. We’ve got a social justice club in Columbia that we’re about to go to, actually- there’s a police brutality protest we’re in the middle of planning. Wanna come?”  
Alexander still looked shocked at what Burr had almost said. He nodded slowly, then finally turned and looked at Laurens. A small smile returned to his face.  
_You’re disgusting_ , Burr’s brain said. _You are going against God’s word. You are a disgusting perverted freak and what you’re doing is wrong, it’s terrible, it’s a sin._  
He stayed silent as Alexander, with only one quick glance full of hurt back at Burr, walked away and out of the bar with the revolutionary trio.  
_You disgusting sinner. You deserve to burn in hell._  
Burr couldn’t tell if the thought was directed towards Alexander or towards himself.


	2. smile more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER WARNING:  
> descriptions of religious homophobia; abusive behavior / homophobia from a guardian figure; kind of vague description of a panic attack  
> also, burr really did have a sister called Sally/Sarah, but she PROBABLY wasn't really gay. oh well, she is now!

Burr should have expected this. He had no way of knowing that this was the place Alexander would go, that this was the exact class he was taking- _hadn't he said he wanted to go to Princeton, not here?_ But he should have known. He should have known this would happen. What else would have happened? Burr’s luck was never that good.

Alexander was standing next to Mr. Washington. His hands gestured animatedly as he talked at that mile-a-minute pace he had.

Burr paused near the door. He took a deep breath to compose himself, and put on his regular blank unrevealing smile.

He walked over to the two. He didn't need to say anything, Burr told himself. Nothing. He didn't need to get into an argument with Alexander.

_It’s not your fault he's like this. Love the sinner,_ he told himself.

_This is all you,_ another part of himself said. _Would you do what you need to do to prove you're still faithful?_

There was another part of him that was straining towards a kind of forgiveness. A part of him that was curious, that felt like it wanted to be forgiven, not just to forgive.

_No. You're not the one that did anything wrong. You got out of control, but you were just saying something important._

“Hello, sir.” Burr said, still smiling, not looking towards Alexander.

Alexander froze. His hands dropped to his side and he stepped backwards, away from Burr.

Mr. Washington didn't seem to notice. “Ah, Aaron. Good timing. Alexander, have you met Mr. Burr?”

“Unfortunately, we keep meeting,” Alexander said, shooting a death glare at Burr.

Burr nodded coolly. “Alexander. Good to see you. I'm a teacher’s assistant, so we’ll… probably be seeing a lot of each o-”

“Why the fuck do you have a problem with me being queer?” Alexander interrupted. He held up a hand towards Washington in what must have been meant to be an apologetic gesture.

Burr wasn't fazed. He _wasn't_. He kept a steady smile. He knew how to talk to people, and that involved not letting them see any type of weakness or emotionality. He had learned that lesson well over the years.

“ _Sir_ ,” he began. “I'm surprised. I may have reacted a bit crudely but how can you attack me for simply stating my opinion? My beliefs are clear. Just because they don't match yours doesn't mean they are wrong. I’m sorry that you’re so… sensitive about this, but why complain about me speaking my mind?”

Alexander stepped forward with a glare, his hands flying up into a threatening position. His mouth opened as if he was about to say something, but Mr. Washington held out a hand, holding him back.

“Alexander! Take a walk. _Take a walk_ , Alexander. Can you leave us so we can talk privately for a minute? Thank you.” Mr. Washington said, a rare hint of anger creeping into his voice. Alexander looked miffed but walked away. Burr noticed his hands curling into fists by his sides.

Burr didn’t let his smile fall. Emotions rushed through his mind, but he ignored the conflicting feelings. _You’re in the right, Aaron. You shouldn’t feel guilty for doing the right thing._

“Aaron,” Mr. Washington began, sighing. “You know I don’t believe in censorship of my students’- or assistants’- beliefs, but… please try to refrain from antagonizing anyone-”

“Sir, with all due respect, I hardly think that what I was doing counts as _antagonizing_. I’m shocked at your allegation that I would allow myself-” Burr interrupted.

Mr. Washington held up a hand, silencing Burr mid sentence. “A word of warning. That is all. I know young Mr. Hamilton has a legacy of being hard to deal with. I’m just asking for you to not encourage him too much.”

 

***************************************

The rest of the lesson was full of Alexander glaring judgmentally at Burr and cuddling up to Laurens, who also had that class- it seemed like they had grown much closer since the first night that Burr had… kind of led to them meeting.

Burr tried to focus on the lesson. He had taken this class before, so it’s not like he didn’t know the content already, but he needed to keep his mind off of Alexander and what had just happened. He didn’t have much to do that day- most of his job was helping grade papers and give extra assistance to struggling students, which wasn’t really relevant during classtime- but he tried to focus on the things Mr. Washington was saying about the Revolutionary War instead of the boy shooting arrows through him with his eyes.

It was hard, though. It was hard not to think about the boy. It was hard not to pay attention to all the confused and conflicting feelings flying around his brain. Every few minutes, Burr would look around the room to see if anyone needed his help, and his eyes would pause on Alexander. The boy would stop typing his notes, which he did at a speed that didn’t seem realistic for human hands, and glare at Burr every time.

Burr took a deep breath, counted to ten under his breath, and refocused his attention on the teacher at the front of the room, forcing his mind off of Alexander.

 

***************************************

The rest of the class passed without incident. Burr managed to mostly ignore Alexander and forget about the discomfort in the back of his mind.

By the end of the class, the troubles had almost entirely slipped Burr’s mind.

So somehow it surprised him when he absentmindedly left the classroom and literally ran into Alexander Hamilton and his friends.

The other two had joined Alexander and Laurens outside of class- Mulligan in what appeared to be a Pokemon onesie, Lafayette in a Columbia sweater that was way too big for him. Burr tried to smile at them, but they just glared back.

Alexander jumped back as soon as he saw Burr. Laurens rested a hand on his arm, calming him.

“Aaron Burr. _Sir_.” Alexander spat. His eyes burned intensely through Burr straight to his soul. “Did you have fun today thinking about how _disgusting_ I am? Was it entertaining to you?”

“I don’t want to argue-” Burr responded, keeping his cool.

 

_‘I don't want to argue with you,’ the man growled. ‘This is not a debate!’_

 

Alexander shifted angrily. “No, fuck that, I don't care! I want you to understand why that's terrible! I want you to understand how much that hurts!” He grabbed Laurens’ arm, pulling him close. “Does the fact that we’re dating _bother_ you? Does thinking of us _making out_ make you uncomfortable?”

 

_‘Fucking hell, no, it’s not a debate! This isn’t a fucking controversial choice I made that you can convince me to change my mind about! I can't control this!’ the girl yelled. her body shook with sobs. ‘If you're so obsessed with what God wants, well, He fucking made me like this!’_

 

Burr took a deep breath.

“Alexander. I’m sorry you were so sensitive but-”

“Goddammit, Burr, that's not a real apology! I’m not _sensitive_ just for wanting to be treated okay regardless of who I love.” Alexander was trembling. Laurens looked nervous. He grabbed the smaller man’s hand, whispering something in his ear. Alexander shook his head. “No, John, I’m not gonna leave this alone! He thinks I’m- _we’re_ \- wrong for being who we are-”

 

_The girl laughed hysterically. ‘Yeah! So you caught me fucking another girl! I hope you never forget that image in your life if it makes you feel terrible. I hope you feel terrible.’_

_‘Be quiet, Sarah!’ There was the sound of someone being slapped. Hard._

_Then there was silence._

 

Burr looked down and realized he was shaking. He took another deep breath, forced a smile onto his face, forced his hands to stop trembling.

“I understand you have strong opinions on this. But is this really the time?”

Alexander’s face scrunched up in a way that would have been adorable and amusing in a different context.

“This is _exactly_ the time! What’s wrong with talking about it right fucking now?”

Suddenly he turned, grabbed Laurens’ face, and kissed him hard on the lips. A second passed. Two seconds. Burr started stepping away, his ears burning, his heart pounding in anxiety and disgust. Three seconds. Four. Five. _Was this really necessary?_

“Does this make you uncomfortable, _sir_?” Alexander finally snarled.

 

_A moment passed. The girl spoke again. Gone was the anger and passion in her voice- now she sounded fearful, and like she was crying._

_‘I’m leaving. I don't care what you think. I don't care what the hell you think will happen to me. Yes, I'm a goddamn lesbian! Congratulations! And I’m going to leave right now and kiss my girlfriend and have awesome sinner sex and you can't fucking do anything about it-’_

_‘Out.’_

_The man’s voice was full of hatred and anger. ‘Get out. And never come back. You are not part of this family anymore. Get OUT!’_

_A door slammed._

_‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination!’ The man yelled after the closing door._

 

Burr couldn't feel his face.

It took him a second to realize he was also hyperventilating. There were _tears_ welling up in his eyes. God, he hadn't cried like this since…

He tried to breathe deeply.

Laurens was staring at him with a strange expression. Not the revulsion that Alexander’s dark eyes revealed, not the distaste that Mulligan and Lafayette’s faces clearly showed. Something else. Something like pity.

Burr tried to tell Alexander that _that was enough, we can continue this later, I’m very busy and I have to go, goodbye_ , but he couldn't tell if the words were coming out right. His ears were ringing too loudly to hear himself speak.

_I have to go_ , he tried again, hoping that the words managed to get themselves out.

He walked quickly away, not looking back, trying to hold back the tears in his eyes- _why was he crying, stop crying, you shouldn't be crying right now_ \- trying to force himself to calm down.

He found himself in a bathroom stall. He hadn't remembered walking here.

He locked the door and collapsed onto the floor, retching into the toilet.

He couldn't even think about why he was crying, but here he was.

Burr leaned against the bathroom stall door and sobbed.

 

_‘What happened to Sally?’ Aaron asked._

_His uncle flinched, startled. ‘Your sister- Sarah. She was… She did something very bad. She tried to go against the Lord’s will. We had to… Sarah needed to leave.’_

_‘Oh. When will she be back?’_

_Aaron’s uncle sighed. ‘Probably never.’_

 

Back where Burr had just left them, Alexander was standing in shock.

“Wow. He must be really homophobic if just a kiss made him react that badly. I mean, I’ve known some really bad homophobes but he looked _actually sick_. Maybe he’s just allergic to the gay.” He mumbled with a laugh, half to himself, half to his friends. He was started to ramble the way he did when he was stressed or emotional.

Mulligan slung an arm around his shoulder. “Yo, who cares about that jerk? You've got an entire squad of cool gays, don't worry about one lousy straight loser.”

“Oui, mon ami,” Lafayette supplied, pecking Alexander on the cheek. “You should not get worries about Monsieur Burr. He is just, how you say, a huge asshole.”

“Wow, yeah, you definitely didn't know the term asshole. Sure, Laffy.” Mulligan rolled his eyes.

Alexander laughed slightly, feeling less upset already.

“Yeah. Come on. Let’s go get lunch,” he said, cracking his knuckles and breathing slowly.

As the three left, Laurens lingered behind for a second, glancing in the direction that Burr had run off to.

Something was all too familiar about Burr’s behavior. Painfully familiar.

“Wait up,” he called towards his friends, and jogged towards them, leaving behind the mystery of Burr.

Laurens knew that kind of behavior.

And he thought he might know what was going on.

 

_‘She did something really bad, Aaron. She has forsaken her God and her family. She doesn't deserve- or probably want- to be with us.’_

_Aaron thought about it. ‘What did she do?’ It must have been something terrible if she had to leave forever._

_‘Sarah… laid with a woman as with a man. You know God created woman and man to be together, right? Sarah tried to disobey God and be with another girl instead of a man. That’s a sin. And a disgusting abomination. You’re better off without that influence.’ Aaron’s uncle’s lip curled up in disgust. ‘Aaron, listen to me. Never do what she did. God built man to be with woman, and he built man as strong and woman as weak to complement each other. Man and man cannot combine, and woman and woman cannot combine. It is… physically impossible, and spiritually impossible. People today think it's okay to just ignore God’s intent, but don't let them fool you. It is wrong and it is a sin. Don’t go down the dangerous and disgusting path that your si… that Sarah did.’_

_Aaron nodded. That made sense to him. He hadn't thought Sally was bad, but he trusted his uncle._

_His uncle knew a lot about the Scripture and what God wanted._

_If that's what he said God said, Aaron Burr knew it must be true._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took me a really long time to put this up even though i had it done for a while...... SORRY  
> but here it is!  
> also i finally have a plan for the entire work so that's a nice thing. not gonna tell y'all how it ends. no spoilers ;)  
> but yeah now i HOPEFULLY will be updating faster.  
> hope you enjoyed this chapter, at least! comments/opinions/feedback are ALWAYS appreciated.


	3. An Open Letter On One Alexander Hamilton's Most Recent Experience Of Bigotry From His Peers; or, fuck you aaron burr

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS ISNT A FILLER CHAPTER I SWEAR  
> ok i mean by definition it kinda is. but like, its not just to waste time. i decided i wanted to write something like a ham essay, and then i kinda liked it so i decided to post it between chapters.  
> this is supposed to be a blog post type thing. idrk.  
> hopefully ill have time to post the next Official Chapter soon!
> 
> ALSO: THIS IS ALL MADE UP!! I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT COLUMBIA BUT IM SURE ITS A PRETTY CHILL UNIVERSITY AND IM SURE ITS BETTER THAN THIS TO ITS STUDENTS! THIS IS NOT INDICATIVE OF MY REAL OPINIONS OF THE SCHOOL AND IS NOT FOUNDED ON ANY ACTUAL STORIES I HAVE HEARD ABOUT IT. <3

    _An Open Letter On The Subject Of The Negligence Of The University Administration In Dealing With Harmful Bigotry By And Against Various Students Of This School, by Alexander Hamilton, a first-year student of the aforementioned college_

It has come to my attention that on this very campus there exists a _surprisingly strong_ and unfortunately pervasive culture of homophobia, which has been demonstrated amongst a number of the _most highly esteemed_ students who attend this institute. Many queer students of the school, when asked, have reported facing discrimination and prejudice simply for their sexual orientation or gender identity, both by students _and the staff_ of the school. As an extremely prestigious university, the Columbia administration should be making a much greater effort to ensure the safety and wellbeing of all their students.  
Earlier this week, I had the unfortunate and _shocking_ experience of this rampant discrimination myself. A few weeks ago, off-campus, I made the acquaintance of a certain _Mr. Aaron Burr_ , another student here at Columbia. Having heard of his esteemed rank at this university, and of his legacy of being one of the top students at one of the top schools, I expected him to display better and more courteous behavior. Instead, when our conversation turned to the subject of sexuality, Mr. Burr went on a tirade, making very clear his opinion on the morality of my personal orientation, even going so far as to almost using an extremely harmful slur against gay people in his “argument”.  
Now, I believe very strongly in everybody’s freedom of speech, regardless of whether or not I agree with the _specific opinion_ being professed. When those opinions actively hurt others, of course, it is different, and in this case the opinions (and method of delivery) were extremely harmful, and I would argue that in fact Mr. Burr’s taking advantage of his “freedom of speech” to attack me and _the entire LGBTQIAP+ community_ was rude, uncalled for, dangerous, and perhaps even punishable in some way. However, I understand that this outburst and attack was not in any way the university’s fault or responsibility, seeing as it did not take place on campus, the school year had not yet begun, and at the time neither Burr nor I knew that the other was also attending Columbia. (Speaking of which, what kind of person doesn’t talk about what college they’re attending on _any social media_? I found out he went to Princeton before I met him, since he was kind of a huge deal there, but I didn’t know he went to Columbia until I saw him in a class that he TAs for. I researched him beforehand. He has so little information online, it’s kind of creepy. Is he trying to hide from the government or something? Side note: someone should investigate that. Side side note: maybe I’ll investigate that and then write another article about it.)  
But last week, I had the displeasure of meeting Mr. Burr and his antagonistic opinions yet again. In a class I am in, I was surprised to see Burr as a teacher’s assistant. Our teacher, who I shall leave unnamed, tried to introduce us to each other, not knowing of our previous encounters. At that point, I was not comfortable with Mr. Burr, knowing his opinions which he had previously stated so violently. To be fair, the way with which I reacted to our second meeting may have been perceived as a bit extreme- I do not think my anger was unjustified, but some other people seem to believe that being polite is more important than defending oneself. I simply tried to have a conversation- a passionate conversation, perhaps, but not so much of an overreaction that he could not have participated- about how his views, which he most likely thought of as innocent and unhurtful, were actually dangerous. That time, Mr. Burr did not lose his temper and yell violent slurs at me, which I appreciate, but he still felt the need to antagonize me about it.  
I do not have a problem with the fact that he has this opinion, as much as I find it despicable and harmful. What I do have a problem with is how this behavior was treated by our teacher- a staff member. He completely let it slide. Burr was technically _working for him_ right then. If he was a student _in_ the class, and we weren’t currently having a discussion with the teacher, maybe the teacher did not actually have the authority to prohibit Burr from speaking in this way. (Although, while on that topic, I do feel that teachers and other figures of control in a setting such as a school should have, _must have_ more authority and control over than students than is currently given to them- we are not their peers, they are _teaching_ us. To truly and effectively teach a student body, there must be separate levels of power. Teachers must have visible power over their students. There should _of course_ be heavy regulations so that that power will not be abused, but to some extent, a sort of “class system” is the most effective way of running a school. Side note: contact heads of universities to propose improvements in the ways their schools are run; maybe write another open letter.)  
But Burr wasn’t a _student_. Well, yes, he is a student in the school. But in that specific class, he was a teacher’s assistant. He was basically an _employee_ of the teacher. If, or rather when, he abused his role as a TA to spout insults against one of “his” students, he should have been reprimanded. Professor Washington should have done more against this behavior than just tell me to calm down. Why should I calm down about someone attacking my very existence?  
But that is only one personal experience of homophobia being excused by Columbia administration that I have faced. This is far from an anecdotal experience. To illustrate that point, on the next few pages let’s take a more general look at the culture of discriminatory attitudes in professional and educational institutes today……… 

 

**a.ham @mynameis_ham** on discrimination in schools- wrote this short trash thing. give it a read? http://archiveofourown.org/works/6297040/chapters/14923495  
   [retweets: 287] [likes: 1,578]  
       **@mynameis_ham** @turtlaurens @tinkertaiIorspy @howyousayfuck_u @Columbia  
       **@oldestnwittiest** @elizaschuyza @andPEGGY holy fuck who are you @mynameis_ham this is brilliant  
       **@oldestnwittiest** @mynameis_ham i LIVE for ppl destroying burr. like the whole thing was gr8 writing, SUPER important stuff... but?? the burr part?? SAVAGE  <3  
       **@tjeffinthahouse** @mynameis_ham all y’all millennials get so oversensitive abt other ppls opinions… this is COLLEGE not PRESCHOOL. no more “safe space” GROW UP  
       **@oldestnwittiest** @tjeffinthahouse go fuck some macaroni tommy boy  
       **@elizaschuyza** @mynameis_ham @oldestnwittiest Great article! Homophobia really is s problem here, although it is a lot less than in some other places :)  
       **@tinkertaiIorspy** @mynameis_ham !!!!!!! HELL YEAH, ALEX BUDDY  
       **@samseabuddy** @mynameis_ham this is ten pages...... WAY to long. didnt bother reading it. @realgeorgeiii so dumb right  
       **@samseabuddy** @mynameis_ham @realgeorgeiii did u see this its do dumb rite kek not even reading it  
       **@samseabuddy** @mynameis_ham @realgeorgeiii UGH but it's so annoying when those Gays think their entitled to control us. its heterophobia.  
       **@realgeorgeiii** @mynameis_ham @samseabuddy *they’re  
       **@samseabuddy** @mynameis_ham @realgeorgeiii AAAAAH NEW PINNED TWEET SENPAI NOTICED ME  
       **@mynameis_ham** @samseabuddy HOLY FUCK where do i start. 1 DONT DEBATE ME BEFORE EVEN READING THIS? 2 heterophobia ISNT REAL. oppression requires power (1/?)  
       **@turtlaurens** @mynameis_ham maybe lets calm down a bit bby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the twitter handles at the end are all ones that i think arent taken? if any of them belong to people, oops!! but theyre NOT supposed to be real.  
> can you guess which belongs to who? should be pretty easy lol.  
> burr's isn't on here but i think his handle would be @imastreetlight ([winkyface if you catch the reference])  
> (note: i think that actually exists? sorry burr you waited for it too long someone took your handle)
> 
> also! dont know if y'all would have noticed but. alex didnt do a very good job of keeping a certain teacher anonymous, did he.


	4. fools who run their mouths off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops this took me longer than expected to finish up. SORRY.  
> i feel like this whole chapter is awkwardly written so apologies in advance. mmm.  
> also HOW ABOUT THAT PULITZER PRIZE??? CONGRATS LIN GREAT JOB I LOVE YOU. uh. yeah.

_Meet me in my office at 3:30 on Wednesday. We have something important we need to discuss. -G. Washington_

 

The email was short, succinct, simple. That was one of the things Burr had always liked about Mr. Washington- he didn’t embellish things. He kept it simple and concise, just like Burr did.

Sometimes a little too concise, maybe. It would be nice to know what exactly he was about to meet with the professor about.

Probably the fact that Burr had missed the last class. He had spent the last week unable to think straight. Anytime he tried to leave his dorm room, his heart would pound and anxiety would bubble up inside him. He kept thinking he saw Alexander behind every corner, and he would flash back to the conversation that had happened that day after Mr. Washington’s class.

Multiple times he had had a full-blown panic attack, freezing and collapsing in the middle of campus, choking on his breath and having flashbacks. People had tried to get him to the college doctor, tried to help him.

Burr didn’t want their help. He didn’t _need_ their help.

After a while, Burr stopped going out. He emailed his teachers to tell them he was sick, saying that he would make up any work as soon as possible, locked himself in his room (it was times like this that he was glad he didn’t have a roommate). Gave himself time to calm down.

All he could think about was Alexander’s dark eyes staring at him with worlds of hurt and disappointment in them. When he tried to sleep, the thought of the pain in those eyes kept him up. Whenever he heard footsteps in the hallway outside, the first thought in his head was _it’s Alexander_. His muscles would tense and his breathing would quicken until the footsteps faded away.

 _It’s because you’re afraid he’ll hurt you_ , he tried to convince himself. _You know he’s… he’s crazy. He hates you and you’re afraid he’ll do something. It’s because he attacked you._

But the image that kept coming into his mind wasn’t Alexander’s angry scowl, or his hands flying up into a fighting position before he even started arguing, or the way the small freshman had glared at Burr as if he would relish seeing him suffering.

It was those eyes. Those sad, dark eyes. Those eyes like the eyes of a puppy that couldn’t understand why its owner was beating it.

(Burr knew that the image of those eyes was probably exaggerated in his memory. He had probably unconsciously embellished the memory with the addition of the emotions he associated with it. But that was the image that persisted in his brain.)

Burr looked at the email again. He needed a distraction. The break he took from… from life in general… it wasn’t working. He was still feeling anxious and sick and _guilty_.

He needed to get back to work.

 

***************************************

“Mr. Washington, sir, I’m sorry for being absent last week. I was feeling unwell and I-” Burr froze in the entrance to the office.

Of course.

Of course Alexander Hamilton was there, too.

The two stared at each other for a too-long moment. Burr noticed, in the back of his mind, that now that he was actually faced by those eyes, he was surprisingly calm.

He didn’t make an attempt to smile.

“Aaron Burr.” Alexander said coldly. “You’re here too.” Not a question, not the beginning of a conversation. Just a fact.

“Alexander Hamilton. Yes. Mr. Washington requested that I meet with him.”

There was a stiff moment of silence. A thousand thoughts rushed through Burr’s head. No, not thoughts- just feelings. The blur of confusion and anger and stress that seemed to fill Burr’s mind whenever Alexander was near.

Alexander coughed nervously. It was clear that for some reason he was holding himself back.

“So,” he said, not meeting Burr’s eyes. “I guess Professor Washington wanted us to talk? He told me he wanted to talk about the potential for my future. I… I know you're an exceptionally high-achieving student. Maybe he wanted you to give me some advice…”

Burr took a deep breath.

_You shouldn't be afraid when you know you're in the right, he told himself. And you are in the right. Right?_

“Here’s some _advice_ ,” Burr spat out before he could stop himself. “Shut your damned mouth for once in your life.”

Alexander’s mouth fell open very literally in shock. He flinched upright, looking straight at Burr for the first time.

Burr was frozen for a second once faced with those fucking terrible magnets of eyes, but he regained his composure.

“Every time we meet you have to, to speak your mind. Have you considered leaving me alone? My God, Alexander, please, shut up and don't attack people every second you're alive just because our views don't align!” Burr’s voice slowly raised in intensity.

Alexander gaped. “I… If you think this is _just because_ our views 'don't align'… How do you not get it? These ‘opinions’ kill-”

“I don't fucking care! It's not my _fault_ or something that you decided to do this! My beliefs tell me- my _God_ tells me that homosexuality is, is sinful. It's a sin. You're a fucking _sinner_ and it's not my problem if you're going to _suffer_ for it! I’m not gonna apologize for warning you!” Burr was yelling at this point. His hands were up, his finger jabbing in Alexander's face.

Alexander looked terrified, like he was trying to figure out a way to escape, but Burr didn't stop. “I know what you are, Hamilton. Don't try to fucking stop me, goddammit, I will do whatever it takes to stop you! You're sick! This is sick!” They were mere inches away from each other. Burr’s skin prickled with adrenaline and rage.

“Burr,” Alexander tried to interrupt. “Can we talk about this later-”

“No, fuck you, Alexander! Don't try to shut me up! Just let me do this for you, holy _shit_ , Alexander, I’m allowed to say what I believe! You…”

Burr stopped, suddenly all too aware of the closeness between the two.

His heart pounded in his ears.

“Fuck. You're not the only one who’s hurting, Alexander.”

“Burr-” Alexander started again.

Without thinking, Burr leaned forward and kissed Alexander hard on the mouth.

The other man’s lips were soft and warm and felt like they fit perfectly against Burr’s, like they were meant to be there. Burr’s face was buzzing with a combination of adrenaline, excitement, panic. Alexander’s hands flew up and cradled Burr’s head, pulling Burr closer. Burr gasped slightly. Was this how kisses were _supposed to feel_?

 _Wait, I shouldn’t do this. We were screaming at each other only moments before. He’s in a freaking relationship. He doesn’t want this_ , was the first thought that flew through Burr’s mind once the fiery blankness that had erupted in his head died down.

 _Why the fuck am I kissing Alexander Hamilton_ was the second.

His uncle’s voice, a hint of disgust always audible, was the third. _God tests us in many ways. You need to know to say no to this. Don’t let the devil win. Don't just let this happen, Aaron._

Burr pushed Alexander away. “No,” he choked. His breath caught in his throat and he leapt to his feet.

Alexander was frozen. He brought up a hand, traced over his lips, where just seconds ago Burr’s mouth had been, Burr had…

“We need to talk about this,” he said. “Burr! Please. We need to-”

“No!” Burr yelled. He stumbled backwards. “What the hell did you do? Why did you… I…”

He couldn't find the words. For a second he stood, frozen, a deer in the headlights of Alexander’s intense and worried stare.

Then he turned and ran out of the room.

 

A moment passed.

Alexander still had his hand on his mouth and was still staring at the door when Professor Washington peeked his head out of his office.

“Aaron, Alexander, I’m glad you two could… Oh. Wasn't Aaron here earlier?”

Alexander turned slowly towards Washington, eyes wide.

“I’m really sorry, Sir, but Burr was… he… he felt sick and had to leave. I think we’ll have to reschedule.”

He took out his phone and opened up a messaging app.

 

**To: John [turtleemoji] [heartemoji] ******

    i… think u were right abt burr.  
    we need to talk. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i still have no idea how kisses actually work so sorry if that part's not good but what can i do  
> also how i previously said that i would probably update faster now? SIKE i completely forgot that the AP exam was a thing so i should probably review for that instead of writing. hopefully i will update next weekend but... unfortunately don't count on it.


	5. see you on the other side of the war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEEP BEEP TRIGGER WARNING  
> this has... probably very vague but still There allusions to self-harm  
> and a lot of self-hate  
> and i mean the whole thing is full of homophobia but this chapter may have some extra strong parts? memories, yknow.
> 
> but YES after what seems like centuries i have finally returned with a new chapter  
> i hope this succeeds and y'all Suffer (sorrysorrysorry)
> 
> also thanks to those three people on Twitter who helped me pick a chapter title. idk who you are bc Anonymous Poll but thanks.

Burr slammed the door behind him and sunk to the floor, his heart pounding. A small part of him noticed how cliche he probably looked at the moment. No, but if this was a movie, the thoughts running through his head would be happy ones. He would be excited and smiling, not terrified and nauseous. Not panicking so much he could hardly breathe.  
  
_Holy shit._  
  
He held his head in his hands, gulping in huge breaths of air. _One, two, three, breathe in._  
  
How had he let this happen?  
  
Burr could still feel the warmth of Alexander’s lips on his, how _right_ it felt, his whole body tingling. It filled him with revulsion and shame. The fact that he wanted _more_ filled him with shame.  
  
He rubbed his hand against his mouth roughly, trying to erase the ghost of the kiss. He tried to get up. His legs shook too much and he collapsed back down.  
  
_Aaron, you disgust me_ , said the voice in his head.  
  
He was still shaking. Fuck.  
  
The thought of sharp things rose to the front of his mind. He knew exactly where he had those blades he hadn't laid eyes on in years, the only thing that could possibly take his mind away from this pain.  
  
_God_ , he wasn't even strong enough for _that_.  
  
Pathetic.  
  
He couldn't tell the difference between his own thoughts and the memories of his uncle’s voice. Was this Burr or was it him, saying these things? Was it both?

  


_“Love the sinner, hate the sin. Ha! Aaron, listen to me, sometimes you gotta hide the truth. Sometimes God wants us not to say what we know. We don't attack the sinners because that is a sin._  
_"God judges, not us. But we don't have to love them. There's nothing there to love. They chose to betray God, they made the choice to do this. They don't deserve our love. We aren't the ones who judge, but we also aren't the ones who love. That's the Lord’s job. He loves and he punishes._  
_"We don't do either. You hear me, Aaron? What you did was right. You were standing up for yourself and for God. But remember, He doesn't need us to stand up for Him. Not like that, not with violence._  
_"We should find something for you to do, so you can stand up for your beliefs without… resorting to this.”_  
  
_Aaron nodded, his cheeks burning with shame._  
  
_His uncle paused, smiled. “You did the right thing, though. I’m proud. I hope you know that.”_  
  
_Aaron remembered a slap of a hand against a cheek. Aaron remembered the slamming of a door. Aaron remembered the nights spent lying awake and scanning a worn tear-stained copy of the Bible for any hint of comfort. Aaron remembered a trembling hand holding sharp metal to skin as tears dripped down dark cheeks and the shower poured to mask the sounds he made. Aaron remembered the touches that burned like the pits of Hell and the quietly whispered prayers and mantras and pleas and the feeling of dread and shame that nestled in his stomach as his body shook with sobs when nobody else was home._  
_Aaron remembered the look in the boy’s eyes and the white-hot fear that took over his body and the feeling of his fist hitting smashing breaking bone and the way it didn't make him feel at all proud._  
  
_“Yeah,” he said, and didn't look his uncle in the eyes. “I think I do.”_

  


Burr pulled himself up slowly using the wall and followed it to the kitchen. He shakily poured a cup too-full of something alcoholic, he wasn't sure what, he didn't really care as long as it would numb his brain.  
  
Somehow he made his way to his couch. He really wasn't sure how. His brain was operating in slow flashes at this point. It felt almost like a dream, like he was floating out of his body. But not in a good way.  
  
Some of whatever was in his cup spilled. He didn't bother cleaning it up.

  


_“Homosexuality does not exist. It is a lie created by sinners in order to act like they cannot control their behaviors.”_  
  
_The small group of teenagers was quiet. Aaron shifted uncomfortably, and then hoped nobody had noticed._  
  
_“Sometimes you hear people say that homosexuality is sinful. That’s not true. Being with another man- or a woman, for females- is a sin. But homosexuality isn't because it does not exist. There is just a sick acceptance of harmful desires.”_  
  
_Nobody else seemed as uncomfortable as Aaron felt, he noticed. Some of them looked bored. Some looked disgusted. None of them looked scared._  
  
_Maybe they just hid it better._  
  
_Maybe Aaron was hiding it too._  
  
_“Calling these sick people homosexuals legitimizes them. It lets them believe that is just who they are, and that we are calling who they are bad. It is a lifestyle choice. It is a sick and dangerous lifestyle choice. We hate that choice, not them- and we hate that choice because we love them. Because we want them to be happy.”_  
  
_Nobody said anything._  
  
_Aaron felt like if he opened his mouth to speak, he’d reveal something, everyone would know._  
  
_No, he told himself, there's nothing to reveal._  
  
_He kept his eyes down and his mouth shut._

  


Burr wasn't sure if he fell asleep or was just completely dissociated from his body.  
  
Burr wasn't sure if he was dreaming or was just remembering.  
  
All he knew was that he didn't feel anything.  
It didn't help.


	6. what is it like in his shoes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa i haven't updated in way too long sorry  
> but yeah  
> here ya go  
> things are gonna start Happening now oooooh  
> (homophobia warning, but nothing especially much)

He woke up some later time- the next day? the next hour? who knew- to an insistent knocking sound.

(He was slumped on his couch when he awoke, still in his clothes, the light still on.)

For a moment he couldn't remember what had happened. His head was pounding. A hangover, he assumed. Hadn’t he been drinking last night? He thought he remembered that.

Burr, groaning and rubbing his head, made his way to the door and opened it.

Everything came rushing back to him as he realized who was standing there.

Burr slammed the door hard on Alexander Hamilton’s face.

“Oh, shit!” A voice squealed from the other side of the door.

There was a foot wedged firmly between the door and the wall.

_People actually did that in real life?_

 

Five minutes later, Alexander and a wincing, limping John Laurens were standing uncomfortably in the kitchen area.

Burr wasn't sure why he had decided to let them in. He didn't want to have this confrontation right now. He didn't want to have this confrontation ever.

But at the same time, he wanted desperately to explain himself to them, to not have them hate him, to not hate them- and he didn't, really, he was realizing.

He was growing tired of feeling this uncomfortable and upset. He just… He just wanted this all to be over.

“So… I came here because-” Alexander started.

“Do you want to drink something? Coffee, tea, water-” Burr started at the same time. “Oh. Sorry. I… You go.”

Alexander took a deep breath. Burr noticed Laurens resting a firm hand on Alexander’s back. His breath caught in his chest.

“I’m… sorry. I guess. I was angry- and let's be clear, I absolutely still am, you were out of _line_ \- so I kind of. Overreacted. No, that's not the word I'm looking for. John brought up… he thought… he told me you might be, uh, working through some issues.”

Burr tore his glance away from the gentle embrace of the two men and looked at Alexander’s eyes, _shit_ , how were they so…

“We need to talk about this. I mean. You, you _kissed_ me. We can't just leave this alone. John and I-”

Burr’s heart skipped a beat.

No, no, no.

Just minutes before he has wanted this whole mess to be over but now it was _right here_ , literally staring him in the face, and he could practically hear the tire squeals of his mind changing.

“I don't want this. I don't _want_ you,” he growled. He hadn't intended it to come out that aggressive, and he half-regretted it as soon as he saw Alexander pull back, a confused expression in his eyes.

“This is all your fault. You're trying to… You're making me…” Burr felt himself start to hyperventilate but he kept going. “Just leave me alone. Stop trying to… to fuck me up just like you did to yourself. I don't know what you're getting out of this, but _stop_. You disgust me.”

Alexander looked like he was about to say something, but he spun around and stormed to the door instead.

“You know what? Fuck this. You don't want my apologies, I’m not gonna try to make you feel comfortable with being a bigot.” Alexander said. “John, come on, I’m leaving.”

Laurens didn’t move.

Burr’s face burned. Why couldn’t he just _leave_? He wanted both of them gone. He wanted both of them as far away from him as possible. He wanted them as close to him as possible, so he _needed_ them as far away from him as possible.

“I think I’m gonna stay here a bit, babe.” Laurens said evenly. Normally Laurens was known for a hot temper, for being almost more impatient and impulsive than Burr had seen Alexander to be. How was he keeping so calm now? It was slightly scary.

After a moment, Alexander slammed the door. With him out of the room, Burr felt slightly better. Less constricted. Like the room had been hot and humid, like the moment before a hurricane, and now a cool breeze had room to blow.

Then Laurens coughed awkwardly and that slight feeling of comfort evaporated as suddenly as it started.

“What you did right now was terrible,” Laurens said.

Burr didn’t look at him. He felt like a scolded puppy or something, who knew that what he did was wrong but didn’t want to be yelled at.

If he was more confident, he would yell back. Like he just had yelled at Alexander. _Fuck you_ , he’d say. _Get out of my room and never talk to me again. I don’t want to interact with the likes of you._

He wasn’t that confident.

Laurens was glaring, arms crossed, waiting for Burr to say something, maybe. “I know that this all is hard and confusing and painful, but even you know that you can’t say things like that.” His voice was oddly gentle.

Burr clenched his fists.

“If you don’t know that, if you really do believe that, if you’re actually happy being a homophobe, fine. Tell me that and I’ll leave. I’ve had enough experience with those people to know that it’s better for me not to try to fight you. But I don’t think that’s you.” Laurens took a step closer to Burr. He reached out a hand- Burr flinched back automatically, but Laurens stopped as soon as he did.

“If I’m at all right about you… I understand.”

The silence was the kind that made it feel like moving at all would be too loud, like you had to be completely still. A painful, heavy, wrenching kind of silence.

Laurens barely moved. He wasn’t making eye contact either, almost like he knew that Burr couldn’t bear eye contact right now. Or maybe he was uncomfortable too.

“I know how it feels to feel like something… _this_ thing… about you is wrong. I can… I can try to _help_.” Laurens said.


	7. between the sinners and the saints

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry im garbage it took me so fuckin long to update this  
> id like to give a good excuse but tbh its because im lazy  
> to distract you i will say: LIN AND LESLIE AND PIPPA AND ARIANA AND LIN'S PONYTAIL  
> AAAAAAH  
> also this is so Fuckin Short but. oh well. shut up. this is where the chapter ended and adding another scene i think would weaken it.  
> hopefully my next update will not be too far. i know exactly what i wanna write, its just a matter of... Doing The Writey Thing. bluh.

“My father was… _is_ Henry Laurens. The Republican senator from South Carolina.” Laurens started carefully.

They had moved over to sit on Burr’s couch. Burr was pressed against one side, as far away as possible from the other man, his foot bouncing rapidly and his hands twitching in his lap. 

One half of him was screaming at him to leave before (before what? before someone would see him there? before the Lord Himself came down from Heaven to smite him or something?). The other half was trying as hard as possible to keep the first half down.

Laurens was continuing. Burr forced his attention back up at his face. _Nothing's going to happen. Just listening is fine. It's okay. You're okay._

“He… obviously didn't support me being gay. He wasn't an especially religious man, you know, just… very traditional. Very conservative. The kind of person who might not care about gay sex being considered a sin, but thinks it's unnatural and bad. The kind of person who thinks that the correct reaction to finding out your kid is gay is trying to beat the… beat it out of him.”

Burr flinched.

_The sound of a hand striking someone across the cheek. The slam of a door._

Laurens paused. “Sorry. This is probably a sensitive topic. Are you okay?”

Burr nodded quickly. His whole body was tensed up and he forced himself to relax slowly. _Nobody’s gonna hurt you. Nobody’s here._

“Right. Okay.” A second passed, and Laurens scooted up a little, getting just a tiny bit closer to Burr. Not that much, but just enough movement to be noticeable. Burr could feel his heart speed up.

“I came out to him… to all my family, actually, to all the fucking state… When I was fifteen. I was dating a girl. Fake dating. She knew I was gay. She was the only one who knew, actually. Uh, she was… she was straight but dating a black guy in secret, and even though I’m half-Latino, her parents preferred thinking of her with the son of a Republican senator than one of _those people_. South Carolina conservative stuff, y’know.” Laurens shifted ever-so-slightly closer again, and continued.

“We were… kinda each other’s beards. Shit, do you even know what that means? Never mind. And we were friends. That's not the point though. The point is, I brought her to some big state dinner event thing. Lots of politicians, famous people… media. My father wanted us to have some cute family pictures taken. He tried to get me to snuggle up to Martha- the girl- and, uh, ‘look romantic’ were his words. And I was tired and to be honest more than a little drunk and I… yelled at him and at reporters from basically every major news sources that I didn't like Martha, or any girls, and… what I’d rather do instead.”

Laurens hesitated and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand.

“I don't even know where I’m going with this. I don't see how this’ll help you in any way. Fuck.” He drew back a little, and Burr almost wanted to tell him to stop, ask him to come closer, reach out and just hold him.

“He kicked me out that same night. I barely got to say anything to my siblings. For the next two years, I wanted to stop living. I started thinking that maybe if being gay destroyed my family, my life… maybe there _was_ something wrong with me. Then I met Herc and Laf and eventually Alex and… they're my family now.” Laurens said. “I love them so much and they love me and being gay hasn't destroyed any of that. I mean, I love Alex in a _very_ gay way, ha. Nothing that makes me feel so _loved_ and _wanted_ could be wrong. I know this sounds cheesy and non persuasive, but… if being happy is wrong, I don't want to be right.”

There were tears in the corners of Laurens’ eyes, and Burr felt matching tears in his own. It wasn't as though the story was so heart-melting, although it was emotional. It was just that Burr suddenly felt some understanding in his heart.

An understanding and a longing.

Burr wanted that. Burr wanted the life that ended with being loved and wanted and so happy he didn't care if what he was doing was wrong, he was realizing.

He just wanted not to be terrified that his happiness was wrong.

 

_Aaron was twelve years old and for just a moment he could forget all the pain._

_His best friend lay beside him, staring up at the stars, and Aaron smiled._

_As he felt the weight of the other boy’s soft hand in his, Aaron actually felt safe for the first time he could remember._

_He closed his eyes, trying to memorize the way this moment felt forever. Trying to memorize how he felt warm and good and safe. Trying to memorize how he never wanted to let go of that hand, even though he knew what would happen if anyone saw them. Trying to memorize how he couldn’t stop thinking about the other boy’s smile and face and soft hair and bright eyes, how he couldn’t stop smiling at those thoughts, how he wasn’t even thinking about how wrong this was._

_Aaron held all these feelings in his head as he opened his eyes and wished with all his heart that he would never forget this peace._

_For once in his life, he felt completely at ease, completely safe, completely okay, and he wasn’t just thinking about when it would inevitably end._

_Aaron was twelve years old and for just a moment he was happy._

 

Burr suddenly realized he had started to full-on cry. His cheeks were wet with tears- he needed to dry them, but rubbing his eyes would make it real, and he couldn’t do that, not in front of Laurens…

Laurens, who had moved up close, who was holding his arms out, with a smile but such sad eyes. It took Burr a few seconds to realize that he was offering a hug.

He collapsed onto Laurens’ shoulder, unable even to stop himself. Laurens wrapped his arms around Burr, one hand stroking his hair and the other pressed against his back.

They stayed like that for a while. Burr cried until he felt like there was nothing left in him anymore. Laurens sat and held him, quiet and patient.  
Even after he couldn’t cry any more, Burr didn’t want to be let go.


	8. UPDATE (yes i am continuing but this isn't it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im a mess but i love y'all

hey uh i am an awful person and a huge mess and as you know i did not update this for a very long time  
but i keep getting comments and kudos and aaaaa im love you? thank you all for reading this?  
anyway. the point. you all deserve updates. so im going to write more!!  
this year i have a lot less schoolwork so really there is no excuse. you are GETTING more of this story.  
hopefully ill get a chapter up soon, but ill definitely update before September ends.  
thanks for sticking with this, y'all. im really sorry but im so thankful that you want this story to continue.


End file.
